If only you knew
by Sophia.Love.Linstead
Summary: Ever since Jay walked out, Erin has been distant and acting differently. Everyone suspects she's moving backwards, down a dangerous road. If only they knew the truth, things aren't always what they appear.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Alright so I put this idea on twitter and was asked to write it... so here it is. I've also got a prompt for 4x19 and also Jay's dad based off the Med promo. I've half written the dad one and will re watch 19 to write that prompt to.**

 **While of course not forgetting about Fate... and I'll stop putting off Jay's list of fantasies. lol**

 **Not busy at all... lol**

If only you knew

Erin POV

The first feeling when I wake is that of loneliness. Jay's side of the bed is still empty and cold, his scent no longer lingering to provide any comfort.

I groan when a sickly sweet taste coats my mouth and my stomach turns, I run towards the bathroom just in time to violently heave into the toilet.

I blindly tie my hair back to keep it clean, reaching for toilet paper to wipe my mouth before sitting back onto the cool tiles feeling faint.

Once the toilet is flushed I stand up to reach for my toothbrush, while cleaning my teeth I dig around in the cabinet for ibuprofen when I see my tampons.

My heart stops for a moment and my toothbrush drops into the sink.

"No." I race for my phone and bring up the calendar, counting the weeks back to my last period.

"Oh god." Tears spring to my eyes, shock hitting my system and leaving me motionless.

I'm snapped to reality when my stomach churns again, I make it to the toilet just in time.

"Crap." I sit back on the tiles and will myself to hold the tears in, at least until I can confirm.

* * *

Everyone can tell I've been nervous and on edge all day, they keep exchanging looks with each other and I can see the pity in their eyes.

Jay's blue eyes keep flickering to me concerned, I look away still upset he left.

I can understand he's going through something, but he never let me use that excuse. I thought we were past that.

My willingness to forgive his lies about his wife, left with him the night he packed a bag and walked out of our apartment.

He left me alone to stew on the fact he married someone and never told me. Anger consumed me when I realized I was going to forgive him without an apology. Only for him to walk out because he decided his issues are too much for me.

My hormones have been in overdrive these past few weeks since our conversation in the break room about needing time. Whenever the conversation shifts personal between Jay and I, tears threaten to spill and I need to leave the room.

When he tried to let me know about his PTSD support group, it took all my strength to face him again.

"You okay Erin?" Jay finally asks when I'm gathering my coat so we can go interview a witness.

"Yeah, fine." My tone is husky, leaving no room for further conversation.

I nervously look to my office drawer where I've hidden a pregnancy test, my body is screaming at me to find out sooner rather than later but my heart wanting ignorance a little longer.

* * *

I toss my keys onto the table, before locking my gun away and making my way to the kitchen.

Out of habit I open the fridge and pull out a beer, once the lid is off reality hits and I move to pour it down the sink.

I snatch the bag with the pregnancy test hidden inside up off the bench, making my way into the bathroom to find out what my life holds for me going forward.

My hands shake as I open the box and read the instructions, despite the fact it's relatively simple.

Pretending it's complex and requires brainpower distracts me from the weight of the situation.

I sit the test on the basin and set the timer on my phone, knowing that in a few short moments my life could be changed forever.

I jump suddenly when my phone rings, Jay's name flashes on the screen and I hit decline wondering if this is a sign.

My phone dings altering me of a voicemail and I play it back, knowing once I've heard his message I'll know if I'm carrying his child.

"Hey Erin… look I just-uh I want to make sure you're okay. I know we're having time, but you seemed off today. Like you could use someone to talk to. Call me if you need anything, okay? Love y-" He curses at the end of the message and my heart clenches at the familiarity of the words he was about to say.

We were so use to uttering the words to each other that it's been one of the hardest things to come to terms with.

A mixture of feelings swirl inside me when I see the positive sign on the pregnancy test.

Happiness.

Dread.

Hope.

Sadness.

Fear.

The mix of the feelings overwhelming me, tears streaming down my face. I wipe them away with a small laugh, unsure how I feel about this.

Fear is the most prominent emotion. Fear I won't be a good mum, that I'll screw my child up like Bunny did me. Fear that something will happen to the baby I already love.

Fear of what this means for Jay and I.

I've never thought about having kids, owed to a combination of Bunny being my example and the dangers and demand of my job.

Knowing Jay wants a family has been in the back of my mind since we moved in together, I figured I would get use to the idea and one day it might happen.

I didn't expect us to be apart when this happened, I didn't expect to be alone.

* * *

"Okay, we have your results here. You're definitely pregnant Erin." Relief washes over me at my doctor's words, confusing me.

I expected more shock or fear but all I can feel is relief she hasn't taken this away from me.

I've been up all night, subconsciously terrified this baby would be another thing taken away from me.

A false positive on a pregnancy stick would be the last in the long line of things the world is testing me with.

"We'll go ahead and set up an ultrasound, I assume you'll want the father here?" She brings me back to reality and I cover my mouth with a hand.

"Yeah." I finally whisper, unsure of how to tell Jay.

* * *

"Hank, can I have a sec?" He nods at me and I enter his office, closing the door securely behind me.

"What's up?"

"I'd like to stay behind the desk for a bit if that's okay." Hank frowns at me confused.

"I can swap partners if you want. Or say the word and Jay's gone." He offers assuming Jay is the reason.

"No, Hank. It's not that. I just… I wouldn't be good to anyone out there right now. I've got a lot on my plate." I clear my throat nervously.

"Okay… but get your head clear and back in the game or Jay will be out." His threat lands on me and I raise my eyebrows.

"Okay." I nod at him.

"Don't let this be another banana peel for you Erin. We don't need you disappearing down that road again."

"Hank, I'm not. I won't." My voice is fierce, my hazel eyes piercing.

* * *

The buzzing of my phone draws my attention away from my computer screen, I look over at Jay guiltily when I see the caller ID.

I pick it up and walk into the locker room, keeping my voice quiet.

"Erin Lindsay."

"Ms Lindsay, This is Charlotte from Doctor Baxter's office. Just calling to confirm you appointment tomorrow?"

"Um, sorry. Works crazy right now. Can I push it?" I rub my forehead, stressed out.

"I see here you have already pushed it, it's been a week since your initial appointment. It's important we see you soon so we can determine your due date." Her tone is friendly, but pressing.

"I know. Can we just push it a day?" Guilt eats away at me and I promise myself I'll tell Jay.

Everyone sends me a suspicious glance as I walk back to my desk, tiredly rubbing my eyes.

I slam my phone down, frustrated with their glances over the past weeks. Their eyes judging and analyzing my every move.

I'm aware I look sick and pale, always tired and exhausted and sitting on the sidelines. I've taken myself out of the field and their looks have increased since that decision, they look at me like they think I've slipped again.

My hazel eyes meet Jay's, his blue gaze full of concern.

* * *

I'm struggling to listen to the case update, perched on the edge of my desk and swallowing harshly.

I try for some deep and discreet breaths, trying to keep the nausea at bay.

As soon as Ruzek is done speaking I excuse myself and rush off to the locker room, only just making it to the trash can.

"You look like shit." I glare at Trudy's voice, before peering up at her holding paper towel. My glare softens as I accept this.

"Thanks." I move over to the sink to wash my mouth out.

"I thought pregnancy was supposed to make you glow." Shock floors me, my mouth dropping as I stare at her through the mirror.

"What? How'd you know?"

"There's no way you'd slip again, not when you're waiting on boy genius to work out how stupid he's being and come crawling back."

"Trudy." I whisper.

"I know he's going through stuff Erin, I just am holding it against him for walking out. That's all. I look after my girl." Tears spring to my eyes and I curse my hormones.

"Thanks… everyone else is looking at me like I'm a drunk mess again." My tone is thick with hurt.

"Yeah. When are you going to tell Jay?"

"I don't know." I shrug honestly.

"Well, I've got you some saltines and ginger ale." She passes me the bag she's holding.

"Thanks Sarge. I'm so out of my depth here."

"You'll get there. Especially once the father knows and can offer support."

"Subtle." I chuckle at her.

"Erin, go home." Hank's voice is gruff as he sticks his head in the locker room.

"Why?"

"You're clearly sick. I've seen the signs before and I won't have you around here like this again. Go home." His eyes show disappointment in me and I can't stop the tears stinging my eyes.

"Hank, it's not-"

"Don't Trudy." I whisper, interrupting her before following Hank out angrily. I snatch my coat and phone up and leave the district quickly.

* * *

"Jay, what are you doing here?" He's standing in the doorway with his hands in his pockets.

"Just wanted to check on you." He shrugs, blue eyes gentle.

"It's late and I'm tired. Can this wait?" Tears already want to appear and I take a deep breath, composing myself.

"You're always tired lately." His hands move from his pockets.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I fire back.

"It's killing me Erin. Watching you slip, for weeks I've watched you go down hill and the guilt is eating away at me. I want to reach out but I don't know how when it's my fault. Please Erin, I didn't mean for this to happen." Guilt is written on his face, his tone pleading and apologetic.

"Unbelievable. You think I'm partying a little too hard again? Is that the only explanation you all can come up with?" My hazel eyes are full of fire.

"Erin, you're sick at work, you look pale and tired… it's been hell watching it. It's like before… you're distant with everyone."

"Because they think I fell off the wagon again!" I shout back, anger coursing through me.

"And you're not?" Jay fires back.

"No!"

"Then what?"

"I'm pregnant, you idiot!" The words tumble out and hit Jay like a slap in the face.

"What?" He breathes the word out so quiet, I wouldn't have heard it if we weren't already deathly quiet.

 **A/N: I know, I'm so mean. But if you want to read more you know what to do ;) Leave a review and let me know :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: OMG Thank you for all the amazing reviews. :)**

 **I hope I've done this chapter justice...**

If only you knew - Part Two

 _Previously_

" _Because they think I fell off the wagon again!" I shout back, anger coursing through me._

" _And you're not?" Jay fires back._

" _No!"_

" _Then what?"_

" _I'm pregnant, you idiot!" The words tumble out and hit Jay like a slap in the face._

" _What?" He breathes the word out so quiet, I wouldn't have heard it if we weren't already deathly quiet._

"I'm pregnant…" This time my words are only a whisper, Jay's face full of shock.

"Well I guess that's one way to tell you." I run my hands through my hair, relief now that he knows but scared of his reaction.

I brace myself waiting for the door to close behind him again, all too familiar with being alone.

"You're pregnant?" He repeats back a ghost of a smile on his face.

"Yeah." I offer a watery smile back, a small chuckle slipping out.

"Oh my god." His laugh is breathless and short; my shoulders shrug in return.

"That's amazing." He's smiling as he wraps me in his arms.

I inhale his scent, holding him closer as tears stream down my cheeks.

"We're having a baby?" He whispers in awe against my neck.

"We're having a baby." I laugh as he places a kiss on my neck before tangling his hand in my hair and bring his forehead to rest against mine.

"I'm scared Jay." I whisper honestly and his hands move to cup my face.

"You don't have to be. I'm here for you, we'll do this together." Insecurity fills me, gnawing at my insides and causing heaviness in my heart.

"You're here for the baby." I counter and watch his face change.

"I'm here for you both Erin. I love you, you know that." His blue eyes show desperation.

"So, you'll come home?" I inhale deeply, trying to compose myself.

"If you'll have me." His voice is fierce and serious.

"I don't want you to come back for the baby. I want you back for me, for us. If it's just the baby holding us together, we'll never work." My hands find Jay's chest as I try to push him away, creating distance between us.

"I want _you_ Erin." Jay's hands don't move from my face, trying desperately to keep us together.

"But how do I know?" I cry out desperately, an ache in my heart.

"Because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone."

"Then why'd you leave me?" My voice is quiet now, full of devastation and unresolved feelings.

"I didn't want to drag you down while I deal with my PTSD."

"I just want you to let me all the way in." I claw at his chest, tapping on his heart as tears stream down my cheeks.

"I'm trying."

"Bullshit. You haven't." I push Jay away this time, breaking the contact.

"You're right. But I will try."

"Try isn't good enough Jay. I won't pretend everything is okay here, because it's not. I just need to be sure you aren't coming back for the baby… if you leave again, well I can't survive that." I cringe as my voice betrays me.

"I will never leave you again. I promise."

"I wish I could trust that." I whisper brokenly.

"The baby changes things Erin. If you'll let me, I want to be back here with you while I deal with it all."

"Jay, why couldn't you let me help from the start?" His eyes show indecision until he finally sighs loudly.

"I was scared."

"Of what?"

"If you heard about the things I've done, you won't look at me the same again." His eyes are full of shame as they drop to the floor.

"I seem to recall I had the same fears once."

"Yeah, well you're a lot smart than me. You listened when I said I could handle it… I didn't." He tries for humor and an involuntary laugh slips through my lips.

"I need you to be sure Jay. You said you needed time, so tell me. What do you really need?"

"You." He whispers and brings his lips down to mine, I sigh into the kiss.

Our lips move together, savoring the feeling after being apart so long.

"You said you needed time too." He pushes hair behind my ear.

"You hurt me." I whisper back, the only explanation needed.

"I know, I'm sorry."

"I thought you would be the one person who never left me." Tears spring to his eyes as he wipes mine away.

"When you left, I was so angry. You _left_ me… and you had a wife I never knew about. I felt so insecure when I found out about her Jay, instead of reassuring me you walked out. I think that might have been the worst night of my life."

"Oh Erin. I'm so sorry. I fucked up." I nod at him, tears slipping down.

"I didn't know if I could forgive that, or trust you again so I said I needed time. But the time apart is killing me."

"Me too." He admits quietly.

"It's not helping us solve any of our problems. Everywhere I turn, there is a constant reminder I'm alone again. I got use to sleeping with you. To coming home to someone, not to an empty apartment. For once in my life I wasn't alone and then you were gone." I shake my head, wishing I could understand the time we've been apart and what lead to it.

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done Erin. I wish I could give you a better reason why, but I can't. I've been miserable without you, every breakthrough I have at support group I automatically want to tell you about. Then I remember I can't…"

"Yes, you can." I bring his forehead to rest against mine.

"I should never have lied to you either Erin. I never wanted to be a lying asshole to you… Please know I'm not here because of the baby, I've wanted to come back for weeks. I just didn't know how." His blue eyes are shining with sincerity and my heart is screaming at me to believe him.

"Well good news is we have a few months to work everything out… including _us,_ before the baby arrives." He smiles at just the mention of our baby before kissing me again.

"Good news babe, you won't ever be alone again." His hands drop down to rest over my stomach gently.

* * *

I wake up alone and confused in the early hours of the morning, I squint into the dark bedroom before climbing out of bed and making my way through the apartment.

I see a light on in the spare room and open the door to see Jay perched on the edge of the bed.

"Jay?"

"Sorry babe, did I wake you?"

"No, but I woke up and you were gone and I thought…" I shrug, guilt flashes across his face.

"Sorry. I couldn't sleep." He whispers as I cross my arms over my chest.

"Nightmare?"

"Yeah."

"So what are you doing in here?" I walk over to the bed and kneel behind him, my arms going around his neck from behind.

"Planning out the nursery." He leans back into me, his hand reaching up to caress my arms.

"Oh yeah? What color were you thinking?" I smile resting my cheek against his.

"Pink." I can feel his cheek tug up into his trademark smirk.

"Pink? What if it's not a girl?"

"Oh but it has to be. A mini you would have me wrapped around her finger." I giggle before placing a kiss on his neck.

"What about a boy?" I roll my eyes at him.

"Oh we can have a boy next."

"Oh is that right? Already planning to knock me up again." I giggle as he turns around to push me back on the bed, moving to hover over me.

"You bet." His lips find mine, his hand resting on my stomach under my shirt.

"I think I can live with that." He drops to the bed, laying on his side with me pulled against him.

"Do you want to know the gender?" He asks finally.

"I kind of like the idea of a surprise." I whisper.

"Yeah, me too. Boy or girl, I don't care. As long as our baby is healthy." His thumb is running soothingly over my bare skin.

"Yeah. Healthy, happy and loved. That's all I want."

"Our baby will be so happy Erin, and so loved. You'll be the best mum." His blue eyes are gazing into mine.

"Yeah?" His thumb continues to rub soothing circles on my stomach.

"Hell yeah. You have so much love in your heart Erin and I've seen you with kids. You'll be amazing."

"Thanks… he or she will be so lucky to have you as a dad." My hand reaches up to caress his cheek.

"Also, we'll will make the cutest kids ever." I giggle at him.

"True… maybe green for the walls." My eyes fly around the room.

"Yellow." He counters.

"Green." I reply with a smile.

"Is this our first baby disagreement?" His smile is still in place.

"I think so. Just keep in mind, I'll be the one giving birth." I wink at him.

"How many times am I going to hear that when we disagree?"

"The odds are high you'll hear it every time." I laugh at him.

"You know, we could compromise and do both colors." He looks around the room thoughtfully.

"Yellow on the bottom, separate it with a strip of wallpaper then green up top." He continues looking back over at me.

"You can probably convince me of that." He chuckles as he kisses my forehead.

"Is this why you took yourself out of the field?"

"Yeah. I'm going to do right by our kids. I'm not going to put our baby in danger, I'm not Bunny." I caress my stomach protectively, just at the thought.

"I know you're not. I'm proud of you." He whispers, leaving a kiss on the corner of my mouth.

"Thanks." I whisper quietly.

"Does Hank know?"

"No, I wanted you to be the first to know. Well the first I told, Platt worked it out." My hand moves to rest of his over my stomach.

"I'm sorry I thought the worst… I just never dreamed this would happen." His blue eyes show regret.

"You've always wanted kids." I whisper quietly.

"But you didn't, so I stopped letting myself hope too much." His confession hangs between us.

"Well, let's just say shock was an understatement when I figured it out." He kisses me softly.

"You been getting sick a lot?" He asks concerned.

"Yeah, everyday."

"I'm sorry I wasn't here. But I will be now, I'm not going anywhere." He pulls up my shirt before shuffling down on the bed to kiss my stomach.

"You hear that baby? Daddy's not going anywhere." I giggle watching Jay talk to my stomach.

"Jay, I doubt the baby can hear you this early."

"But you're listening." He winks at me.

"And I love you and your mummy very much." He kisses my stomach again before coming up to meet my lips as he hovers above me again.

His blue eyes hold my hazel in an intimate gaze, he's asking for permission and I nod gently.

He sits back to pull his shirt off, my legs on either side of him as he comes back down to kiss me.

I cup his face as his tongue slips in my mouth, before I trail my hands down his body.

Jay slides my singlet straps over my shoulders before pulling it down around my waist, his lips trailing down my neck softly.

I arch my back as his hands pull down my shirt and shorts, his lips travel across my collarbone and down between my breasts.

I'm panting when his fingers hook in my panties, feeling wet with need and craving his touch after all this time apart.

His warm mouth wraps around a nipple as he slides my panties down, his teeth tug gently and I jerk my hips in response.

My hands are tangled in his hair as his mouth moves to my other nipple, causing me to squirm.

He trails his lips back up to mine as I reach down to pull his boxers off.

My legs wrap around him as he slides in, we both moan when our bodies join. I slip my tongue into his mouth as he rocks against me.

I trail my hands over his muscled back, pulling him closer so our naked chests are pressed together.

He moves his mouth back to my neck as I throw my head back, eyes closed tight and enjoying the feel of his scruff against my skin.

His thrusts are slow and deep, the air around us thick with intimacy.

My hands find his hair before guiding his lips back to mine.

"I love you." I whisper quietly before kissing him.

"I love you too." He whispers back against my lips.

Our foreheads are touching, our gazes intense as his thrusts pick up speed driving me close to release.

He reaches down to my clit, helping me reach my orgasm as he explodes in me.

"God I missed you." I pant out as his lips find mine again.

"You won't ever have to miss me again, I promise."

 **A/N: Please leave a review and let me know what you think. I'm happy to continue to the doctors appointment and telling Hank?**

 **I thought after that cliffhanger some smut might be a way to apologise? haha**

 **Thanks for reading :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews. I'm not sure with how this chapter turned out. Hopefully you enjoy... maybe even find it cute. haha**

If only you knew… part 3

"Morning." Jay smiles at me as I roll over with a groan.

"Morning." I mumble sleepily as Jay pulls me closer and kisses my forehead.

"I like waking up to you again." I smile into his chest, admitting this to him.

"So do I, it's good to be back in our bed." I tilt my head back to kiss him.

I'm forced to pull away abruptly with another groan, making a dash towards the bathroom.

I feel Jay's hands pulling my hair back and rubbing my back soothingly as he lets me finish.

He passes me some toilet paper when I'm finished and helps me stand; I send him a small smile as I reach for the toothpaste.

"I'll make you something to eat." He kisses my head on the way past.

"Dry toast!" I call out around the toothbrush and he chuckles as he nods.

Once done in the bathroom I make my way to the kitchen and sit on the offered stool, I frown at the toast in front of me before pushing it away.

"On second thought. Not hungry." I drop my head into my hands.

"We can stop and get you saltines and ginger ale on the way to work." Jay offers gently, his hand caressing my back.

"You know about that?" I pick my head back up to send Jay a look.

"I did some research last night when you were asleep." His smile is soft, eyes shining with happiness.

"Yeah?" He nods and kisses me gently.

"I'm really happy Erin."

"Me too…" I whisper as he kisses me again.

"I actually have saltines and gingerale. Platt got me some." Jay goes to search for these as I unlock my phone.

"Crap." I almost slap my forehead when I see it.

"What's wrong? You okay? Is the baby okay?" Jay's worried questions fly at me quickly, his body by my side in a second.

"We're okay." I chuckle gently.

"I'm glad you stopped by last night. I was going to have to find the courage to tell you before midday today anyway." He frowns at me confused.

"Why?"

"I have my first ultrasound today, to find out how far along I am. I didn't want to go without you." My hazel eyes are soft as I look up at Jay.

"Thank you." He whispers, unable to contain his happiness.

* * *

"Jay stop pacing." I laugh at him as I lay back on the table, waiting for the doctor to come back.

"Sorry." He comes to my side, holding my hand anxiously.

The doctor walks back in; we exchange smiles as she comes over to the bed to lift my shirt.

"You ready to see your baby?" Her smile is kind; I bite my lip and nod.

"Definitely." Jay breathes out.

"Great, well we'll see if we can get a shot with an abdominal ultrasound, otherwise we'll have to do a transvaginal ultrasound."

"That sounds fun." I deadpan as Jay chuckles.

I send him a playful glare and he stops laughing, a smirk taking its place.

"The gel will be cold." I gasp as the gel goes on.

She brings the probe over and rubs it along my stomach, moving it around and trying to get a clear picture.

"Did you drink a few glasses of water beforehand?" She asks as she squints at the screen.

"Yes, I was told to. Is everything okay?" I can't keep the worry out of my voice, fear gripping my chest.

"Is the baby okay?" Jay asks, a worried frown on his face as he holds my hand tighter.

The doctor is silent as she continues searching; my eyes fly between her and the monitor.

Every passing second feels like torture.

I'm trying to read her non-verbal cues, determining if she's worried.

"Uh. There we are." Her voice is soft and Jay sighs in relief.

"What? Where?" Fear unclenches my heart at her words.

"Right there." She points to a little blob and Jay kisses my hand.

"Let's try for a heart beat."

"This early?" Jay asks shocked.

"Sometimes."

Tears spring to both our eyes when we hear the faint heartbeat; I look over to Jay who leans down to kiss my forehead.

"Oh my god." I whisper, emotions overpowering me.

"You're Eleven weeks. Almost into your second trimester."

"What? But it hasn't been that long since my last period. I didn't realize I was so late." I frown as I try and count back the weeks again.

"It's normal to have some spotting, women mistake it for a period all the time." She reassures me gently.

"Oh. Wow."

"I'll get you guys a picture then we can run through everything, and set up your next appointment."

"Thank you." I wipe the gel off my stomach before swinging my legs off the bench. Jay leans down to kiss me gently.

* * *

"We should tell Hank and everyone." Jay mentions as we drive back to the district.

"Yeah, I can't believe how far along I am." I caress my stomach gently.

"We can wait another week if you want."

"No, let's tell them." Jay parks at the district and we make our way upstairs.

"Nice of you two to join us." Hank calls out as we walk to our desks.

"Sorry, appointment ran long." I apologise quickly.

"What? Marriage counseling?" Ruzek jokes, I send him a glare in return.

"Too soon for that joke? I mean you guys are back together right?" I roll my eyes as Jay just shakes his head at him.

"Dude. Shut up." Ruzek throws his hands up innocently.

"Halstead, Lindsay. My office." We exchange a look before joining Hank in his office.

"This isn't going to happen again. You guys are either looking at each other longingly or fighting. It wasn't supposed to happen to begin with. I let it slide for various reasons. It's not going to happen again." Hanks abrupt as soon as the door is shut.

"Hank, look-" I try and interrupt before he continues on his rant.

"No, Erin. I'm not going through this again with you two. You're barely coping with whatever problems you are having now. You've been tired and looking like hell."

"I haven't slipped Hank." I grit out through my teeth.

"Whatever, doesn't matter. If this is happening again, one of you is out." He crosses his arms, leaving the ultimatum hanging between us.

"That's fine Sir. If that's the way it has to be."

"Jay, no." I whisper, eyes turning to him.

"It's okay Erin. As long as we're together." His hand finds mine, brushing over it softly.

"You don't have to do that Hank. You know Jay and I are professional."

"Really?" He chuckles in disbelief.

"I think we've been working pretty well given the circumstances."

"There shouldn't be circumstances." He fires back.

"You make this big deal about you so kindly letting us date… have you forgotten what I did for you not so long ago?" The question hangs between us, Hank looking like he's been slapped.

"Erin."

"No. I think that gives me some leeway here. Family's important."

"Jay's not your family." Hank shakes his head simple.

"Yes he is. Especially now."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"Well if you'd let me tell you our news, you'd know." My reply is feisty.

"Fine." He moves his arms to his pockets and stares me down.

"I'm pregnant." Hank's jaw drops as he blinks at me.

"What?" He whispers, a smile coming on his face.

"I'm pregnant. We just came from the doctors. That's why I've been sick and looking like hell." I pull the ultrasound photo out and show it to Hank, tears springing to his eyes.

"You're gonna be a mum?" His voice is quiet, full of shock.

"Yeah." He brings me in for a hug.

"I'm so proud of you Erin. I'm sorry I was such an ass." I chuckle at him, letting some anger melt away.

"So Jay can stay?"

"Yeah. No more walking out, you hear?" Hank turns to point at Jay and he nods.

"Never again."

"Good. Congrats guys." He pulls Jay in for a hug before smiling down at the ultrasound again.

"I'm gonna be a grandpa again." I chuckle at him.

"You telling everyone now? How far along are you?"

"Yeah. I'm eleven weeks." He ushers us out of his office and to the team.

"So what's the what? You guys shacking up again or what?" Ruzek asks with a smirk, Jay and I allow ourselves a chuckle as we roll our eyes at him.

"Yeah. Sure." Jay replies in his sarcastic fashion.

"What?" Ruzek hits back defensively.

"Shacking up? Honestly." I roll my eyes at them.

"Jay and I actually have some pretty big news though." I take a deep breath, looking over to meet Jay's eyes.

"We're having a baby." I'm smiling as I tell everyone, looking to take in their shocked expressions.

"What? Guys, congratulations." Antonio pulls me in for a hug, before releasing me holding his hand out for a fist bump.

"Way to go, _mum_."

"God, that's scary." I laugh back.

"What? This is crazy. Congrats you two." Ruzek pulls form his hug from Jay to pull me into his arms.

"Oh my god. You two are seriously going to have the cutest baby." Kim squeals pulling me in for a hug.

Once everyone has offered us their well wishes, hugged us a few times and pried us for details there is a lull in the conversation.

"So this is why I've taken myself out of the field. Why I've been tired, sick, distant… looking like crap. Apparently it takes a lot to grow another human being." I try and make light of it before I shrug, tears forcing their way to the surface.

"I wasn't partying, I know you all thought that. I'll admit, it hurt. I thought I deserved the benefit of the doubt."

"You're right. We shouldn't have treated you that way. We're sorry." Antonio is the first so speak and I nod at him.

"Man, you were going through enough. Finding out you're pregnant, all alone…" I see Jay's eyes find the floor, shame on his face.

"All that matters is that I'm not alone now." I reach for Jay's hand, silently giving him comfort that I'm letting go of any lingering anger.

* * *

"Hey babe." Jay chuckles, I turn to see his raised eyebrows.

"Hey." I throw before returning to my task.

"What are you doing?"

"My jeans don't fit anymore." I whine at him, hating myself for how my voice sounds.

He chuckles again, my glare silencing him quickly.

"Not even my fat jeans." I try and do them up again before giving up with a sigh, looking in the mirror with a frown.

Jay's arms wrap around me from behind, pulling me close.

"Can I let you in on a secret?" His whispered breath against my neck.

"What?" I raise my eyebrow.

"Your jeans don't fit because you're growing our baby."

"Shut up." I throw an elbow back giggle.

"You're so beautiful. Don't forget that." His hands move my shirt up and we look at the swell of my belly with a smile.

His lips place a kiss on my neck as his hands caress my stomach, mine resting over his.

"Come on." Jay pulls me around to face him, before gently taking my jeans off and helping me step out of them.

He moves over to the chair and I crawl into bed.

"I found your secret stash." I smirk at him; he turns to me with a raised eyebrow as he puts my jeans away.

"Of porn?" I throw one of my many pillows at him as he doges it easily, laughing loudly.

"Funny."

"Just kidding. As if I'd need that with a girlfriend as sexy as you."

"Nice save Mister. But I'm talking about you 'what to expect' books." I reach over to his bedside table and open the draw before turning to him with a raised brow as he comes to sit on the bed.

"Uhhh."

"Yeah. I didn't know you were reading these." I whisper.

"I want to be prepared."

"You're amazing, you know that?" He shakes his head before leaning close.

"You're amazing." He whispers closing the distance between us.

"There are some in there for you."

"I saw that." I nod gently.

"I just… didn't want to pressure you. You've been coming to terms with everything."

"Like I said, amazing." I reach down and pull a book out.

"I got you something." Jay pushes up from the bed to walk back out of the bedroom.

He comes back with a gift bag, tissue paper sticking out.

I take the offered back as he sits on the bed facing me; I reach in and pull out the gift. I giggle at the three onesies, sparing Jay a look before I read them.

 _You got this daddy_. My finger traces the arrows pointing to arms, head, legs and the word 'snap' for the diaper.

 _I'm cute,_

 _Mums hot,_

 _Dads… lucky._

 _Silly daddy, boobs are for babies._

"Oh my god. So cute." I laugh, tears springing to my eyes.

"Couldn't resist. Especially this one. Because Daddy is lucky." I hold it up to really take it in.

"Oh my god. We're going to have a baby… that fits into this. So tiny." I shake my head as tears stream down my face.

"Yeah, we are." Jay brushes my tears away; I drop the onesie to rest over my small bump.

"How was your support group tonight?" I ask quietly.

"Hard. But they tell us to focus on the good things in our lives." His hand caress my cheek and I lean into it, placing a kiss on his wrist.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Our lips meet in a soft and sweet kiss, hands resting over my belly cherishing the very thing that brought us back together.

We're exactly where we belong.

 **A/N: Let me know what you think. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey! So lots of people have asked me to continue this one. So I guess I am lol**

 **Skip this if you want but a few guest reviewers want my thoughts on Jay/ Nat and I can't reply haha BTW I'm on twitter lexicane and always happy to chat or rant lol**

 **Now, I don't think Nat and Jay will date, I don't think that would happen AT ALL. In saying that, I'm pissed it happened. I mean we can't get a Jay PTSD storyline on PD but they can send Jesse over to Med for that POINTLESS scene?! Yes, you can say that Will cancelled and Nat walked by... BUT THE WRITERS MADE THAT HAPPEN. So just ask yourself - why? Was it to create hype? Knowing it would get us riled up? Like I said, I doubt they would have anything happen. Why schedule Jesse to be on Med for that?! That's where my issue lies... why have Jay go to a game with Nat?**

 **Of course, the writers are dumb sometimes so no promises.**

 **Following that, I think it's hard for some of us to take because we haven't had any Linstead friendship or personal scenes in ages. When they were together they were scarce. Then we get a wife, for cheap drama. Could have done a way better storyline and Jesse/Jay deserves it.**

 **Also, Jay really only ever took Erin to Molly's. Never to a game... that we saw. And never to the cabin... stupid cancelled episode. So it's likely, THIS is what's getting to us.**

 **So I'm not hating on Jay or Jesse. Just really unsure why they did it TBH.**

 **That's IMO anyway. We all have our own, we won't know until we see how it plays out. Don't get me wrong, if something happens there I'M GOING TO LOSE IT. That's a promise.**

If Only You Knew – Chapter Four

Erin POV

My eyes are dropping heavily as I fight sleep, head resting against my pillows as I struggle to finish the chapter.

I dart my eyes over to the door, my spare hand caressing my bump knowing I'm actually waiting up for Jay, no interest in the current 'what to expect' chapter.

My eyes find the book again continuing to run down the page, they widen suddenly sleep disappearing when I read about the birth.

"Babe, what's wrong?"

"Jay, you sacred me." I jump at the sound of his voice.

"You started reading." He smiles over at me as he rests against the doorframe.

"Not from the start, and that was a mistake." I shudder before I drop the book onto the floor.

"You do know we have to teach our kids to tidy up after themselves?" His eyebrow rises in that playful but sexy way of his.

"I'm pregnant, sue me." I fire back fiercely.

"You're gonna use that a lot aren't you?"

"Yep. Oh, so much. Get ready babe." Jay chuckles before he places a kiss on my forehead, as he walks by me and into the bathroom to shower and change.

"You're having my baby Erin, I'd do anything."

"Too bad you can't give birth. That alone is reason enough you should worship my feet." Jay chuckles as he turns the shower on.

"I'm guessing that's the chapter you started with." My glare finds him as he chuckles, pulling his shirt off.

"Yes! It's horrific!" My gaze is distracted by his body; my hormones running wild and unsure what they are craving.

"Erin, babe. You stand over dead bodies for a living." He steps into the shower and under the spray of water.

"I'm never had to push a baby out of me before Jay." I sigh loudly, trying to calm my annoyance. Frustrated tears find my eyes when I can't; I curse the hormones before getting out of bed.

"Hey, don't cry."

"I'm not meaning to! I fucking hate this." Jay opens the shower door, stepping out and wrapping me in his wet arms.

"You're wet." I mumble against his chest.

"You can be too." He kisses my forehead, a smile on his lips. A giggle slips through my lips as I hold him tighter, seeking comfort only his arms can provide.

"I'm scared." The confession slips out before my mind can process it.

"Of what baby?"

"Giving birth, having a baby… being a mum. Our baby will depend on us… what if I do something wrong." His hands caress my cheeks, thumbs wiping my tears.

"My god, what's wrong with me." I sniff loudly.

"Nothing. You're perfect." His forehead touches mine gently.

"Shut up." I push him away with a husky chuckle.

"I'll be with you every step, just think once you give birth we're going to have a beautiful little baby girl-"

"Or boy." I giggle, tears still flowing.

"To hold in our arms, we'll love him or her so much. Erin, you are going to be an amazing mum. You have so much love in your heart, and so much strength. I've never met anyone stronger; our kids will be so lucky knowing their mum is Erin Lindsay. Because you will never let anything harm them, you'll be there to protect them."

"Yeah?" I take a deep breath, blinking back tears.

"Yeah, from it all... Even the invisible monsters under the bed. I don't doubt any of it for a second. You're the one I want to have my family with, I've known that since the start."

"Okay." His lips find mine gently.

"I'm all wet now." I complain with a smile.

"Oh I'll get you wet." Jay's strong arms pull me into the shower with him, bringing me under the hot spray.

"You better deliver on that promise Halstead."

"Always, Lindsay." His words have a deeper meaning; he's talking about it all.

Our whole lives.

* * *

"Do you want to get married?" Jay's sudden question stuns me; my eyes fly open before I look up at him.

He's staring at the TV as he flicks channels, no other light is on in the room so I can hide my expression.

I sit up slowly, resting against the headboard trying to decipher his emotions and reasons for the question.

"No," The simple word seems hard, the raise of his eyebrows confirming my thoughts.

"You know I don't really care about that… I know you do. And I get you probably don't want to have our baby out of wedlock. But I don't care. This isn't about you. If we got married now, I'll always wonder if the baby was why. You sure as hell weren't going to propose before this happened." I'm quick to anger, cursing the hormones for not being able to stay calm.

"Erin." Jay's blue eyes turn to me; fear and regret hidden there.

"I'm not saying, not ever. I'm just saying not now."

"Okay." Some hope shines through in his gaze, relief showing on his face.

"Especially in light of your secret wife. I sure as hell am not backing that up straight after." I regret the bitter statement the moment it slips through my lips.

My heart hurts watching the conflicting emotions play out on Jay's face.

"I'm not saying this to hurt you Jay. I'm just telling you how I feel." I offer him a small smile accompanied with a shrug.

"Okay." He nods softly, understanding on his face.

"Why were you so late tonight?"

"I had support group."

"That was earlier."

"I went to see Doctor Charles. I don't think support group is enough, I want to do better. For you and for our baby."

"You are doing good Jay… is that what brought the marriage topic up?" He shrugs at me, his posture tense with hurt.

"It was just a tough memory I relived today." He swallows harshly, a look in his eyes that sits uncomfortably with me.

"Want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Right, of course." Hurt fills me at his rejection, the mood swings making it impossible to tell if it's justified or not.

Finally, in effort to avoid a fight or hurtful words spoken, I slide down in bed and roll over.

"Night." I pull the covers up and close my eyes.

"Erin." His hands reach for me, his cheek coming down to rest against mine.

"It's fine Jay. I'm just tired." My lips want to find his, my head wishing to turn to allow this. However I don't move from my position, finally his lips find my cheek before he sighs and turns out the light.

* * *

I wake with a groan, my full bladder sending me scrambling from the bed and into the bathroom.

"Not again." I moan tiredly.

My eyes are heavy as I climb back into bed; Jay's awake state startles me.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" His posture is stiff; he's staring at the ceiling as he lies on his back.

"No, I haven't slept." There's a hitch to his tone, I lean up on an elbow to lean over his face.

The look in his eyes is haunting, pulling at my guilty conscious and sending pain to my heart.

"Wanna talk?" My whisper is soft, the request so quiet that maybe it won't hurt so much when he doesn't respond.

I lean close, eyes still locked as I rub my nose gently against his. My eyes close as I touch his lips briefly, I rest my forehead against his as his arms encircle my waist and pull my body to lie against him.

My fingers lazily trace a comforting pattern on his bare chest as he kisses my forehead, I kiss his chest before getting comfortable tucked against him.

"Chris Johns."

"What?"

"I got him killed." Shock floods my body when he opens up; the grief in his tone bringing me back to this moment.

"Jay…"

"It was a week before we were going home, he was getting married. I was meant to be his best man." I can hear the tears in his voice, the pain as he chokes back sobs.

"We were confronted by a boy with a gun… we tried to talk him out of it, he was so young… I didn't think he would shoot. The bullet went John's his neck… I took the boy out. Too late." Jay's body is shaking with grief against me.

"Baby." I tilt my head back, resting my forehead against his cheek.

"I tried to stop the bleeding, but he didn't make it. He just told me to tell his fiancé he loved her… and he was sorry."

"Jay, it's not your fault."

"I hesitated."

"It was a boy. He hesitated too… you're a good man Jay." My hand moves up to cradle the side of his face.

"I killed a boy Erin. Next time I didn't hesitate either." The whispered confession sits heavy between us.

"None of that was your fault." My tone is fierce and honest, wishing he would believe me.

"I can't get it out of my head." His blue eyes are full of such raw pain.

"Share it with me. Lean on me, these memories haunt you, I can't change that. But I'm here for you. To remind you, you're a good man and you deserve to be here. You deserve my love, and you have it. Always." I've never spoken more truth in my life.

"God, I love you. Why did I think I could get through this without you?" He seems so lost and unsure as I pull him closer; my tight grip a reminder that I've found him.

"You freaked out... but not anymore. That's my job with the baby coming." He chuckles softly and I allow myself a small smile.

"This what brought on the marriage talk?" He nods softly.

"I came back… he didn't. He was supposed to get married. God, mine was a joke. I didn't think I deserved it anyway… deserved you. I wish I could take it back, because you're the woman I want to marry."

"Maybe one day." Knowing the last time I let that hope sit between us it came true, maybe this will too.

"Oh, definitely." We share a kiss full of promise.

* * *

"You okay babe?" I shake my head at Jay as I lean my hands on the kitchen bench for support.

"Just not feeling well this morning." I take a deep breath, trying to contain the nausea.

Jay moves to stand behind me, coaxing my back against his chest. His hands rest over my bump and mine entwine with his.

"Since when babe?"

"Earlier this morning." My eyes close, trying to calm myself and ignore the doubt that's telling me it's not like every other time with morning sickness.

"Should we take you to the doctors?" He places a kiss in my hair, worry in his tone.

"I'll be okay, just feel off."

"You'll tell me if anything changes?" He sits his chin on my shoulder, pulling me closer.

"Of course, I promise."

"I love you." His lips whisper against my neck, his scruff tickling me.

"We love you too." I feel his smile in the crook of my neck.

* * *

"You look like hell."

I glare over at Ruzek, his hands go flying in the air at the look on my face.

"Yeah, well _you_ try growing a baby and we'll see how _you_ look." He groans as my fist finds his shoulder on the way to my desk.

"Dude." Jay shakes his head over at Ruzek before coming to stand behind my desk.

"Jeez. Hormones." Jay sends another glare at Ruzek, shaking his head.

"You look beautiful." He whispers as he leans down and kisses the top of my head.

"Do I? Tell him that." My reply is mumbled and grumpy as I glare over at him again.

"Argh, I need to go bathroom _again_. Damn it." I push up from my chair and walk off towards the bathroom.

* * *

I'm pacing when the team walks back in later that day, a suspect being dragged into interrogation by Kevin.

"Erin?" My pacing stops to face Jay, fanning my face before moving back to my desk.

"You still not well." It's a statement, not a hint of questioning.

"It's really not that bad." He raises an eyebrow, searching my face before he nods and walks to his desk.

Time passes slowly as Hank questions the suspect before coming out and standing in front of the whiteboard. His hands are in his pockets as he delivers an update with a gruff tone, barking out more orders.

My hands drag tiredly down my face before I cover my mouth, leaning elbows forward on the desk as I try and calm my breathing.

The same turn of my stomach and faint twisting of my nerves has my body tied up in knots, this time I can't hide the anxiousness as I exchange glances with Jay.

"Not again." I whisper under my breath as I stand and make my way to the bathroom, for what seems like the hundredth time today.

I can feel Jay's worried eyes on my as I walk by him.

My hands grip the sink tightly as I stare into the mirror at my pale reflection, tears spring to my eyes when I can't deny the pain any longer.

I slump back against the wall before sliding down, hugging my stomach tightly.

My eyes shut tightly, curling into a fetal position on the floor as tears pour down my face in desperation.

"Jay." It's a worried plea that slips through my lips, however much quieter than I intended as I pant through the pain.

Worry clenches my heart at the searing pains ripping through me, my hands caressing my stomaching protectively.

"Please no." My voice is husky with tears as I try and crawl towards the door.

"Erin? You okay?" There's an abrupt knock and more tears fall at the sound of Jay's voice reaching me through the door.

"I know you'll probably say you're fine, but you've been gone a while. I can't help but worry." I can only whimper through the aching as he pushes the door open.

"Jay, help me." His blue eyes widen fearfully, conflicting emotions flashing through them before he races forward to cradle my face.

"Baby, I'm here."

"I'm scared." My sobs are terrified and loud.

"It's going to be okay. What's wrong? What hurts?" I can tell he knows, but he's hoping he's wrong.

"It really hurts." His hands slip down to my stomach, tears in his own eyes.

"I've got you baby." His tone is reassuring as he pulls his phone out quickly.

"No ambo. Just drive me to med."

"Erin…" I've never seen Jay so unsure before, not even when he left me standing alone in our apartment.

"Please. It'll be faster."

"Okay." Jay hooks his hands under my shoulders, getting ready to help me stand.

"Jay? What if…"

Our eyes are full of terror as the question passes silently through our gaze.

 _What if it's the baby?_

 **A/N: Sorry?**

 **Try and love me for updating, and not hate me for the cliffhanger. ;)**

 **Apologies for the mistakes but it's 4am here. lol**

 **Review with your thoughts and I'll get the next chapter up. :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm back! That cliffhanger was kinda fun, yeah? lol**

 **Hope you enjoy :)**

If only you knew – Part 5

Jay POV

The entire drive to med my heart is pumping, sweat forming on my forehead.

Erin's whimpers of pain and sobs break my heart more with every passing second.

"It's going to be okay Erin." The words sound hopeless coming from my lips, never having been so terrified in my life.

My mind briefly flashes back through gun fights on the streets in Chicago and in the war zones overseas, my chest has never been heavy with such dread and terror.

The tyres squeal as I pull harshly into Med, leaving the truck near the ED entrance. I fling my car door open before the hand break is on, jumping from my seat and running around to help Erin.

"Jay, I'm scared." Her whisper is quiet and frightened.

"I know baby. I'm here." I move forward to scoop her up, when her hands find my chest as she tries to swing her legs around.

"I can walk." She protests in typical Erin Lindsay fashion.

"No, I'll carry you." Her face contorts in pain, allowing me the chance to scoop her up and kick the door shut with my foot.

Erin's hands tightly grip my shirt, he breathing rapid in my neck.

"Someone help! Maggie!" I rush through the ED, calling out desperately.

"Oh god, Jay. What happened?" Maggie calls out before directing me into a room.

"Baghdad. Dr Choi! We need you." I place Erin softly on her back.

"Erin's pregnant. She's in a lot of pain…. Please help her." The words tumble out, I don't recognise my own voice but I'm sure my lips were moving.

"Okay Erin, we're gonna fix you up alright?" Erin nods tearfully at Dr Choi as I place my lips against her forehead briefly, moving back slightly so he can commence his exam.

My hand finds Erin's and doesn't leave her grip.

"Alright, how far along are you?"

"Fifteen weeks." I watch her grit her teeth, a steely resolve finding her eyes but not shielding me from seeing the torture in her eyes.

"This isn't your fault Erin." She shakes her head at me, not accepting my words.

"He's right Erin. Okay, I need some bloods Maggie and the ultrasound please."

"On it."

"How's the pain Erin? I don't want to give you anything until I know what we're looking at."

"Fine, just make sure the baby is okay." Dr Choi spares me a glance, the brokenness in her voice leaving him speechless for a moment.

"Jay, I need you to step outside."

"No." I shake my head at them.

"I won't. I'm not leaving them." Erin's squeezes my hand.

"We can make an exception Choi." Maggies voice is gentle as she sets up the ultrasound machine.

"Okay, I'm going to lift up your shirt, the gel will be cold."

Erin and I watch silently as he rolls the probe over her belly, searching for the cause of the problem.

"There's no heartbeat. Why can't I hear the…" She halts her sentence suddenly, sobs breaking through her chest as she turns away from the machine; I step forward and cradle her into my chest.

I'm at a loss of what to say as my hand caresses her hair, tears threatening to spill over.

"Is the baby…" Dr Choi sends me a sympathetic look when I can't even finish the sentence.

"Hang on." We wait holding our breath as he moves it around, eyes fixed on the screen.

The moment the heartbeat fills the room; relieved sobs tumble from both of us. Erin looks up as I brush her tears away, placing a quick kiss on her lips.

"Alright, I'm not getting a clear enough image. I'm going to do a transvaginal ultrasound."

We nod wordlessly; still lost in the happiness of the heartbeat we don't question what he can't get a clear image of at fifteen weeks.

"Erin, you're blood pressures high. Is it usually?" Erin looks towards me briefly before answering.

"Not before I was pregnant. It was a little high at my check ups, but she wasn't worried." I bring her hand to my lips and place a kiss there.

"Any bleeding?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Is that bad? My doctor said it can be normal." Erin's voice has raised in pitch, worry etched into her beautiful features.

"Not necessarily, no."

* * *

"It's going to be okay Erin."

"How do you know Jay?"

"I have faith." The moment we see Dr Choi's face, hope disappears.

As detectives we're trained to read people, even those who are use to guarding their features.

"Oh god, what is it?" Erin wipes her tears hastily.

"From the ultrasound I could see your placenta is low. This isn't necessarily a problem, it can be common – the risks vary depending on how low. I've confirmed you have Placenta Praevia, which means the placenta is attached to the lower part of the womb and is covering part of the cervix. The high blood pressure and spotting would be because of this."

"Okay. Doc, what does this mean?" Erin's stares silently at her stomach; a hand resting protectively over it as if trying to guard it from the harsh reality of the situation. My voice is shaky as I try and remain strong.

"It means it's risky for both mother and baby, Erin could hemorrhage during the pregnancy or when she goes into labor."

"Risky?"

"Erin could bleed out." The blunt sentence jolts me, sending a stabbing pain to my heart.

"What can we do?"

"With how low Erin's is sitting, for her safety we would recommend terminating the pregnancy." I feel like the air is knocked out of me.

"No." Erin's whisper is fierce, leaving no room for argument.

"This is your decision to make, but I need to let you know the risks."

"I'm not killing my baby. I can't… I _won't_." The protectiveness, the need to protect our child is so strong in her voice and on her face.

"Erin, please." My whisper sounds broken, guilt already surfacing.

She turns to look at me accusingly.

"I'll give you guys some time and space to decide. How's your pain now?"

"I feel like my heart was just ripped out." He nods at Erin once before leaving us in heavy silence.

"We have to talk about this Erin."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Erin, please. I can't lose you. I just… I can't. If there's a choice then I have to choose you." I ignore the tears dropping from my chin.

"Over our baby?" I've never seen Erin look at me this way before, almost like she doesn't recognise me.

Her hazel eyes are shining with more tears, I can see the need to be held and comforted hiding away.

"I could lose you both." My voice breaks on the simple sentence portraying my worst nightmare.

"You won't."

"You can't promise me that Erin. Damn it, I can't live without you. Can you not see that?" My hand runs through my hair, rubbing the back of my neck harshly.

"I'm having our baby Jay. I'm not going anywhere. We'll be a family."

Guilt is eating away at my insides, torn between desperately needing Erin in my life every day for the rest of my life and the want to hold our precious baby in my arms.

The life we could have flashes through my mind, the trip home from the hospital, first smile, first step, first day of school. I can picture Erin as a Mum so clearly, her love nurturing our child.

"I want that, I'm just scared." She nods at my confession, her eyes shining with love.

"I know baby, me too." I sit on the bed facing Erin, tears streaming down both our cheeks.

She falls forward into me and I hold her as she cries, knowing she needs my comfort and support above all else right now.

* * *

"Jay, what's happening?" Hanks hand rests on my shoulder in support, my own on my hips as I face him in the waiting room.

"I don't know what to do Hank." The whispers falls out more tears begging to spill.

"What happened?" His voice more forceful.

"Erin has… placenta preavia? They said it's high risk. They are talking about terminating the pregnancy to save Erin." The words leave a bitter taste in my mouth, an ache in my belly.

"But she doesn't want that."

"No." I shake my head.

"What do you want?"

"I want Erin. I sound so horrible." My head bows in shame.

"No, you sound like you're terrified of losing the woman you love."

"I can't lose her Hank, I can't." My blue eyes are pleading with his, needing to know everything will be okay.

"You won't. That girl is as tough as they come, she's a fighter and you can be damn sure she's gonna fight like hell for her family. That's _you_ and your baby."

"Yeah." The short answer is to stop the tears from flowing.

"You need to support her. She needs that from you."

* * *

"Hey. Did you fill Hank in?"

"Yeah baby." I join her on the bed, tucking her into my side.

"We'll be okay Jay." Her hand grabs mine, bringing it across to rest over her bump.

"I want this baby so bad Erin."

"It's okay to want the baby, Jay." Her hand is soothingly tracing patterns on mine.

"But what if it means losing you? How could I… I don't know how to." The words won't come out, can't come out. They are bitter in my mouth, leaving behind dread and a sense of self-hatred.

"This baby is a good thing Jay. It's precious and exciting, we can't let this change that. It's our miracle. We both deserve this after everything our lives put us through…"

"I don't know how to get us through this. How do I get us through this?" Erin tilts her head back, shrugging up at me.

"I don't know, we just will."

"Damn right." My voice is full of conviction, enjoying the laugh full of tears spilling from Erin.

I lean down and attach our lips; the kiss is soft and sweet and tastes of salty promises, reminding me how unsure the future really is.

* * *

"Hey man, I just heard. How's Erin doing?" Will enters quietly, seeing Erin asleep.

"Better than me, or she's pretending to be. She's being discharged soon."

"Sorry man." I stand up; letting Will pull me in for a hug.

"Thanks bro."

"What are you going to do?" He sends me a side-glance, obviously having his own opinion from the medical side.

"We're having the baby." A small smile crosses my face, picturing Erin holding our baby girl.

"Okay."

"Give it to me straight Will, what are the chances…"

"She's tough Jay. If anyone can do it, it's her. If anyone deserves this baby, it's you both. Just hang tight."

* * *

"Jay, I can get my own door."

"Just let me help you, please." She gives me her hand, allowing me to help her from the car.

My arm automatically wraps around her waist as I guide her safely inside our apartment and into the bedroom.

"Come on, it's been a long day." I try and encourage her to sit; instead she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me close.

"Just hold me." I pull her tight against me, feeling our bodies fit together perfectly.

My nose finds her hair, the flowery scent calming me like always. Her nose tickles my neck; her lips leaving a gentle kiss there.

"Come on." I coax her backwards onto the bed, dropping down and removing her shoes.

She pulls her shirt off, as I grab one of mine from the drawers knowing it's what she will want after today's events.

She slips this on, sweeping her hair aside before laying back on the bed to wriggle out of her jeans.

I pull them off her feet before crouching in front of her again; she sits up so I'm between her legs.

Our foreheads meet gently, gazes locked as her hands cup my cheeks.

"The baby is okay." She's smiling, relief evident in her radiant look.

"Yeah." Her smile is contagious, allowing ourselves to be truly relieved we didn't lose the baby we haven't yet had the chance to meet.

The moment at the hospital was short lived, stolen with disheartening news. Erin took it in stride. I shouldn't be surprised; the woman I love takes life's blows as they come, using them to grow stronger and more passionate and fierce.

"You're the strongest person I've ever met. I'm so lucky to have you."

"You give me strength Jay." My eyes close briefly as her scent hits me again, our faces so close.

"I'm sorry I wasn't supportive at first."

"It's okay, I know you love this baby Jay."

"Promise you'll tell me when you're in pain, not just for the sake of the baby. But because I don't want you in pain… and I can't stand the thought of something happening." My plea is soft, but serious.

"I promise. The pain wasn't the hard part, it was being scared I'd lose the baby."

"You didn't."

"If I did, would I have lost you too?" The scared look covering her face jars me.

" _Never_. I'm not back for the baby Erin. I love you, always."

"I love you too. And I love this baby so much already Jay. I can't have anything happen…"

"We'll be careful." Erin's gasp pulls my attention.

"What?" I whisper worriedly, until I see the excitement shining in her eyes.

"I think I felt the baby. It was like a flutter…" Tears stream down her cheeks, the brightest smile I've ever seen.

In this moment, I know we've made the right decision and I know we'll hold our beautiful and healthy baby in our arms one day soon.

 **A/N: It's early morning, so please disregard the mistakes.**

 **I know I say that alot but by the time I get to writing it's late lol**

 **I have like 5 days left to update before I'm away for a month, but I'm a mess right now because my dad needs two surgeries - first next week. So I can't promise too many updates. I'll try.**

 **In saying that, I stayed up until 4 am to give you answers - appreciate some love through reviews ;) lol**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Apologies for the delay... but I feel I found my love for this story again writing it tonight. lol I am heavily medicated (migraines - story of my life)**

 **Enjoy :)**

If only you knew – Part 6

The soft clinking of glass lures me from my restless sleep, I rub my tired eyes before squinting into the darkness.

I don't need to reach out to know Jay's warm body is no longer beside me, trying to comfort me while I sleep.

I slip out of bed quickly, feeling a chill over my bare legs as I hug Jay's shirt tighter around my body.

"Jay." My voice is husky as I walk towards the lit up kitchen.

"Babe, did I wake you?"

"It's fine. What are you doing?" I raise an eyebrow as the trash bag in his hand before sitting tiredly on the kitchen stool.

"I thought I was supposed to be the one nesting." The humor doesn't quite reach my voice, body slumping tiredly against the counter.

"Maybe in month nine babe, but given your messy behavior I'm not holding my breath." I chuckle softly, narrowing my eyes at the glass bottles in his hand.

"You're throwing the alcohol away?" I raise an eyebrow, gaze flickering back to the open cupboard, which stores our alcohol.

"Well, giving it away… to a good home." This time I purse my lips together, not allowing a chuckle to sooth his concerns.

"Why?"

"You're giving it up. I will to." I roll my eyes, feeling it's much too early in the morning to have this conversation.

I drop my face into my hands, surrendering to the fact the conversation has to happen even if my body is craving sleep.

"You don't have to do that Jay, I don't mind if you drink at home… or even go to Molly's with everyone."

"I want to." The stiffness in his shoulders tells me there's more.

"This coming from support group?"

"No."

"Doctor Charles?"

"No, Erin. This is coming from me." The bite in his tone has me biting my tongue, holding in an equally piercing reply.

"Are you sure? It seems like you're worried you'll start drinking again?" I press again, not ready to drop the subject.

"I'm fine Erin."

"Right of course, except your version of fine is holding everything inside." I sigh loudly, frustrated with the lack of openness.

"You can trust me around you and the baby."

"Oh my god Jay, I wasn't insinuating that." My voice drops softly.

"But if it's tempting you… talk to me. We can get through this together." I watch Jay pause, back hunched as he struggles to reply.

"Facing my demons isn't tempting me to drink. But if I lose you, I would."

"I'm not going anywhere." My voice is fierce; I jump as the glass bottle in his hand lands harshly on the counter.

"Can you promise me that?" Jay turns to me, the black garbage bag clunking loudly to the floor.

"Can you promise me you'll walk through that door every night?" I fire back, jumping from the stool and closing the gap between us.

"Erin." My name falls quietly from his lips, defeat in his tone.

"You can't. That's life babe. It's scary and unpredictable." My hands fall softly to his chest.

"It's unknown, we just have to cherish every moment we have. Live life like we might not have a tomorrow, but plan for the future we hope we'll have." My hands trail up to his neck as I pull his forehead down to mine.

"When did you get so smart?" He breaths out softly against my lips, our eyes connected.

"I was always smart. You just weren't paying attention." I smirk up at him before joining our lips softly.

I moan softly as Jay's hands find my waist and pull me closer, the gentle curve of my baby bump nestled against his abs.

"Come back to bed?" I whisper against his lips, pulling away to use my charms to my advantaged.

His blue eyes are torn as I peer up at him through my lashes, he finally nods slowly.

I grab his hands in mine and lead him towards the bedroom.

"Please get some sleep." I whisper as he wraps an arm around my shoulder, walking across the threshold of our room.

"Okay."

We silently crawl into bed, basking in the darkness.

It's quiet as we lay there, trying to let sleep take us.

"Erin, I can hear you thinking. What's up?"

"I just…"

"Yeah babe?" The bed jostles as Jay shifts to face me, his soft eyes shining through the dark.

"I'm going to fight as hard as I can to be here for our family… but… if something happens to me." I swallow harshly, searching deep inside for the courage to continue.

"Don't Erin." Jay's voice is fierce, eyes closing as if he's trying to ward off nightmarish thoughts.

" _No_. I need to say this. Please."

"Okay." Jay closes his teary eyes briefly.

"But if it comes down to it and you have to choose between me and the baby, I need you to choose the baby." Tears fall down his cheeks as he shakes his head.

"Jay, _please_."

"Erin, I don't know how to do that."

"Do it for me." It's silent for seemingly forever as I watch the torture play across his face.

"Okay… but you are not allowed to leave me. I want forever with you Erin Lindsay."

"Well we still need that one day." Jay's brow furrows confused.

"You know… where you make me Erin Halstead." A smile so bright finds his face it takes my breath way.

"Oh, definitely." I lean forward to kiss away his tears.

"If something does happen Jay, you'll have this beautiful baby. _Our_ baby and I need you to love it like you love me. He or she deserves that love. Deserves the love I never found from a parent…."

"I promise Erin. Of course. I love our baby so much already. You're going to get the opportunity to love him or her too… more than you've ever loved anybody."

"I hope so."

"I know so. We're the real deal Erin. Every fiber of my being tells me you're the one for me… so you better believe we'll have it all. Marriage, kids, weekends at soccer, bad dreams, tears and tantrums, laughs and first words, first step… summers in Wisconsin. We'll have all that." Tears stream down my cheeks.

My heart is full of love for the man in front of me, my senses overloaded with flashes of the future we could have.

"I love you Jay… even if you do have tears and tantrums in our future." I giggle at the offended look on his face.

"I was referring to the kids."

"Sure… but I wasn't." I wink at him before attaching out lips.

"God I love you." He whispers before he worships my body, making me feel every ounce of love.

* * *

"Ready for work?"

"Yeah babe. Stop stressing, I'm fine." Jay's hands find his hips as he furrows a brow at me.

"Sorry, it's in my job description to stress."

"Oh so dating me is a job?" I jab at him; fully aware my hormones have rapidly changed my mood in just seconds.

"Whoa. Not what I meant." He raises his hands in surrender.

"Sorry." I grumble angrily before pushing the juice away.

"Let's just get to work." I order before walking towards the door, ignoring Jay's mumbled words with a roll of my eyes.

* * *

"I can get my own door Jay."

"I know you can baby." I roll my eyes angrily before walking in the entrance of the precinct, running ahead to open the gate before Jay.

He sighs at me as I make a point of holding it open for him.

"You're impossible."

"Lucky you love me anyway."

"Only five more months of this to go." I glare at him as he brushes past me, his scent instantly calming me and somehow making me irritated all at the same time.

I huff as I trudge up the stairs behind him, surprised when he catches my army and pulls me around to face him.

He's smiling as he leans down to kiss me, backing me against the wall of the stairs. I sigh into his mouth as our tongues meet, his hands cradling my neck.

"I really do love you Erin, feistiness and all."

"Good. I kinda love you too." I wink at him with a smirk as he wraps and arm around me as we continue up the stairs.

"I know what you're doing."

"Being a good partner?" He replies innocently.

"Making sure I don't fall."

"Would I do that?" I send him a look of disbelief.

"Yes."

"Only five more months to go." I mock whisper back as I hip check him, smiling as he chuckles at me.

"Hey! Look who is back." Antonio calls out as we come into view.

"Hey man." He comes over to wrap my in a hug, before everyone else does the same as I struggle through them towards my desk.

"Hey kid." I smile over at Hank as he pulls me into a hug, before pulling back to inspect me, gaze flickering over to Jay.

"You taking care of her?"

"I don't need taking care of." I grumble before dropping loudly into my seat.

"Water?" Jay asks softly, nodding at Hank.

"Yes please." I grumble again for two reasons.

The first, it's not coffee.

The second, the irony of the previous statement.

"Erin without coffee. That I don't want to see." Ruzek jokes before crossing his arms.

"Well a cup a day is usually fine, but it can increase the risk of miscarriage and given… well the diagnosis I'm just not taking any chances."

They all nod in sympathy while Jay busies himself grabbing me a bottle of water, placing a kiss on my head when he delivers it to me.

* * *

"Hey! There you are girl." I smile as I turn from my locker in time for Platt to wrap me in her arms.

"Hey Trudy." I laugh, hugging her back.

"And hi to you too little guy." She bends up, hands on my belly as I continue to laugh.

"We're doing good Trudy. Promise."

"You had me worried… had all of us worried."

"I know, I'm scared too. But I'm trying to be strong for Jay."

"Don't take it all on Erin." She urges me gently.

"It's okay. Jay's there for me, I'm there for him… it's how we'll get through it." I smile softly, leaning against the locker.

"Don't forget we're all here for you too. We're family."

"Thank you." My hand caresses my bump as Platt sends me a friendly wink.

* * *

"Almost ready to go?" I ask tiredly as I walk up behind Jay from the bathroom.

I watch Jay hurriedly close the Internet tab he was looking at, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"Sure babe."

"What was that?"

"What?"

"What you were looking at." I raise an eyebrow as I sit on the edge of his desk, noting no one else is around and wishing to extract information from him.

He stands up, grabbing his jacket and helping me from my place perched on his desk.

"Not important. Let's get you home."

"I like the sound of that." I allow him his secrecy, for now.

"What?"

"Home." I mumble as his arm wraps me against him, my head dropping tiredly onto his chest.

"Me too baby."

* * *

"You okay Jay?" It's been a long night, frequent moments of silence stretching between us.

I wring my wet hair out as I come to sit by him on the couch, leg tucked under my body.

My weight presses down on my knee as I lean forward to kiss his cheek softly, my hand caressing his cheek and bringing his gaze to mine.

"Jay, talk to me." He finally sighs, nervously rubbing his hands on his pants.

"We never talked about our issues." I blink confusedly, shocked by his statement.

"No we didn't." I whisper in return, shaking my head softly.

"I just walked."

"It's in the past Jay, we're looking to the future. Moving past it all."

"But the issue is still there." I swallow harshly, heart hammering in my chest afraid where the conversation will take us.

"Jay… are you… do you want to _leave_?" It takes all my strength to get the sentence out, my voice catching on the last word.

"No, oh my god. Never. I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean…" Jay turns hastily, guilt on his face.

"Oh."

"I just meant, Abby. We didn't really talk about it."

"Oh. Yeah, not sure I want to."

"You know you are leagues ahead of her right? You have _nothing_ to be insecure about… I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone. I should have reassured you at the time… I don't want you to think she was ever competition for you. Because from the day I met you I knew you were special, there was something strong between us." Tears spring to my eyes as I nod softly at Jay.

"Thank you." I whisper, relief flooding me at his words full of truth.

"I never told you if we are divorced."

"You never told me why you weren't already divorced either." My voice is quiet, not wishing to start a fight.

"I signed the papers back then, she didn't. She came back with a story about being engaged… truthfully she was back to, see if I was interested in picking it back up."

"Oh."

"I told her I wasn't, and I needed the papers."

"Have you signed?"

"No." I try my hardest to keep the hurt from my face.

"Okay." I whisper softly, dropping my eyes.

"Because I wanted to think about it more."

"Right…" I trail off, desperately trying to seem at ease with what he's saying.

"I want an annulment, so it's like it never happened."

"It did though Jay." Relief floods me, stupidity following soon after at even the thought Jay would be thinking of rekindling an old flame, while professing his love for me and waiting to welcome our baby into the world.

"I know, but I don't want an ex wife. I just want you… as my wife."

"One day Jay." I promise softly.

"I know."

"What did Abby say?"

"She was hurt and I didn't know what to do… I was about to give up the fight and sign the divorce papers when I found out you were pregnant."

"You were still figuring out the divorce with her after all that time?"

"Yeah. I guess it was stupid, but it was like I was punishing myself for what I did. Leaving you…"

"What happened then?" My thumb running softly against his cheek.

"I told her we were having a baby… she agreed to an annulment. I just felt you deserve to know."

"Thank you."

"The truth, I never told you about Abby because I was ashamed. Of the man I was… I got blackout drunk and married her as a joke. Even the next day, when I knew she had feelings for me… I just walked away. That's the kind of man I was… but not who you have known me to be."

"Jay, you have a pattern of pushing down how you feel. But I'm not here to judge you for your past. I'm here to help you heal."

"You don't think I'm a bad guy?" He looks to me, fear in his watery gaze.

"No baby, because you're not." His shoulders crumble in relief, tears falling as I pull him down so his head is resting in the crook of my neck.

I place a kiss on his forehead as I run my fingers soothingly through his hair.

 **A/N: Alright, this isn't what I envisioned, but it ended up here... loved it or hated it please let me know your thoughts.**

 **Hope you're all well. :)**

 **Please review ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Wow. Bet you thought I'd never update this story again. But I got motivated. Mostly by the fact I'm stopping PD for a while since I can't bring myself to watch the last episode lol**

 **The I love you or whatever is said. Nope. I'd rather focus on a story where Linstead is together. haha**

 **Thanks to all the help from Maddie with the brainstorming ;)**

If only you knew – Part 7

Jay POV

"Hey man."

"Hey bro. What's up?" Will throws my way as he looks through charts.

"Do you have time for lunch?" I shove my hands in my pockets, looking around at the busy doctors and nurses around us.

"Sure, anything in particular you need to talk about?" He gives me a knowing look, and I half smile in return.

"Uhh Erin's condition."

"Should have seen this coming. Erin's been constantly texting and calling me." He chuckles finishing a note off before closing it and leaning on the chart.

"She has?" I stutter out shocked, Will freezes wondering if he's said too much.

"I thought you knew man, she's been very concerned and asking advice…"

"Oh. She beat me to it… I've been doing all this research online. I'm terrified man, of what could happen… but with everything else I'm trying to deal with I just…"

"You kept it to yourself. Thinking you could deal with this by yourself too… or fix it somehow." He sighs knowingly.

"It's what I do. I push my feelings down… I gotta stop it. Which is why I'm here before we see her doctor again. I need help man."

"Let's get a drink after work and I'll walk you through it." His smile is full of sympathy.

"Erm. I'm not drinking." Will pauses for a beat; I can see the flash of debate cross his features whether he should pursue that new fact.

"How about dinner?"

"Alright, see ya later." I turn to walk away before pausing.

"Should I be worried Will?" The look on his face answers my question; I walk out without waiting to hear the accompanying words.

* * *

Erin POV

I'm dozing on the couch when I register the sound of the apartment door closing and the distinct sound of the locks turning.

My eyes flutter open to take in the sight of Jay, a soft smile gracing my features.

"Let's get you to bed." He whispers automatically, closing the distances between us to scoop me up in his warm embrace.

Once in bed Jay places a kiss on my forehead before heading for the bathroom, I lay in bed listening to the shower running waiting for sleep to claim me again.

I wake again when the bed jostles as Jay climbs in bed, an arm pulling me close and resting a hand protectively over my bump.

"You're worried." He whispers into the room, I hum non-committedly in reply.

"You've been talking to Will." My eyes fly open, caught out.

"Yeah." I whisper, turning my gaze toward him.

"Why couldn't you talk to me about it?" There's unmistakable hurt in his tone.

"Why can't you talk to me about your PTSD?" the words tumble out of my mouth before my sleepy brain can catch up.

"That wasn't fair, sorry." My heart aches at the wounded look he's wearing.

"It's okay." He dismisses.

"It's not… babe, I just. I can see how this weighs on you, how everything is weighing on you right now. You're worried and so I don't want to add to that. He's a sounding board… with medical knowledge." I reach my head up to cup his cheek, running my thumb soothingly against his skin.

"Yeah."

"You nervous about our next doctors appointment?" I pry gently as he leans into my hand.

"I am, you?"

"Terrified." I whisper honestly, tears spring to my eyes.

"Damn hormones." I chuckle wiping them away; Jay's hand comes up briefly to wipe them away for me.

"Well I can't sleep now." I mumble feeling wide-awake.

"I have some ideas." Jay arches his eyebrow suggestively, a playful smirk lighting up his face.

"Oh I bet you do." I lean forward and attach our lips; he swallows my giggles when he slips his tongue in my waiting mouth.

"I have an idea too." I whisper against his lips, rubbing my nose against his.

"Oh?" He asks, kissing me deeper.

"Yep. Picking baby names." I giggle again at his pout, he groans before pulling away with a serious face.

"I like Charlotte." He concedes when he realizes I'm serious.

"Really?" I deadpan in reply and he shrugs.

"Elizabeth?"

"Jay." I roll my eyes.

"Hey! It's not easy. What's your brilliant idea?"

"I like Everly. Or Grace. Or Everly Grace…"

"Everly." He says thoughtfully.

"Yeah Eve or Evie for short."

"Huh. I like them." I poke my tongue out playfully.

"Boys?" he finally asks.

"What's your brilliant idea? Can't wait to hear it after your last suggestions."

"I feel this is a trap." His smirks with an eye roll.

"Better believe it buddy. I gotta get my entertainment somewhere now I don't see any action at work."

"Caden."

"Nope." I scrunch my nose up before countering.

"Jayden. Noah. Henry. Zachery" I bite my lip and watch Jay think.

"Well there's only one way to know for sure." I raise my eyebrow at him questionably before he throws the covers off me and pulls my shirt up exposing my belly to the chill in the air.

I watch as Jay leans down to kiss my bump before whispering in a conspiring tone to the baby.

"Mummy thinks she's better at picking your name than me… but I know you'll be a daddy's girl." He winks up at me.

"Or boy." I interject and roll my eyes.

"So what do you think of Charlotte?" He continues ignoring me.

"Sorry, nope Jay. No agreement from our child, who will _not_ be named Charlotte."

"Elizabeth?" He tries again.

"Nope."

"Caden?" He tries hopelessly.

"Fine… Everly Grace?" I shake my head with a big smile, enjoying the child like excitement in Jay's eyes and his relaxed shoulders in this perfect moment.

"Maybe she's asleep." He almost sulks.

"Perhaps _he_ is." I fire back just for the fun of it, watching him roll his eyes again.

"Noah... Zachary." He pauses briefly.

"Jayden?" His eyes widen in shock before glancing up to connect with mine.

"Did- did…" He trembles unable to finish the sentence.

I nod with tears in my eyes, watching Jay mesmerizing stare at my growing bump.

He looks up at me with such surprise, love and happiness.

"I felt the baby kick." He whispers afraid to break the moment, both hands now on my bump willing our baby to kick again.

"Perhaps it's a Jayden after all babe."

"He approves of the name then." Jay whispers against my cool skin.

My fingers run through his hair, enjoying this moment and forgetting our stresses and problems.

"Of course. He's a mummy's boy." I tease with a wink.

* * *

"How are we feeling mum?" Our doctor asks with a kind smile, and I can't help but beam at hearing the name.

"Good thank you."

"Ready for a peak?" She asks us both and Jay nods excitedly.

"Alright let's take a look, gel will be cold." She warns before squeezing some gel on my exposed stomach.

She uses the wand to spread the gel around and we watch anxiously as she searches for the heartbeat.

We both breathe a sigh of relief when it feels the room; we are both still awed to hear it.

We're blessed each time the doctor can find it and allow us a listen.

"Are we finding out the sex?"

"No." We answer at the same time before smiling at each other, Jay leans down to kiss me gently our hands pressed tightly together.

"Okay, surprise baby. Well your baby is looking very healthy, good size and heartbeat. It all looks good for your term." We breathe another sigh of relief.

"I'll print some photos for you and then we can have a chat." We both nod before I clean the gel off and readjust my shirt.

Jay helps me down despite my protests I can do it alone and we take a seat in the chairs across from her desk.

"Here we are." We both stare at the picture, taking in the outline of our baby.

Her throat clearing pulls us from our moment, we apologise before launching into our rehearsed questions.

Jay's and my voices overlap and are lost in the chaos of our nerves.

We finally stop, chuckle quietly and apologise again.

"I see you've both done your research."

"My brother's a doctor." Jay tells her.

"And we have both been researching it a lot online… we're just trying to do everything we can to make sure…" I trail off not knowing how to finish the sentence.

"I understand, it's perfectly normal. There isn't much more you can do that you already aren't. Be careful, listen to your body Erin and call me if you feel you need a check up. If you feel it's urgent head to the ER. However in these cases it's not usually a serious problem until you're in labor, and giving birth is when the greatest risks present themselves."

"Which means?"

"Careful planning is our best bet. We should schedule you for a c-section at 37 weeks."

"Will the baby be full term?" Jay asks after a few moments silence.

"Yes your baby will be full term at 37 weeks, you generally deliver between 37-40 weeks so if we book the c section for 37 weeks there is less chance you will go into labor."

Jay and I look at each other, trying to read the others thoughts through our expressions.

"You can both talk about this and let me know your decision at the next appointment, however I highly recommend this. We cannot guarantee you won't go into labor before 37 weeks but this is the best precaution."

"Okay, we'll do it." I can see the agreement in Jay's eyes before the words tumble out of my mouth.

"It's what we want." Jay agrees, hand reaching for mine in support.

* * *

"That was Will." Jay sighs running a towel through his hair fresh from the shower, he sits on the bed beside me.

"Hmm?" I mumble sleepily.

"He's worried about dad. Wants me to go babysit him while he goes to work." I jolt up at the word dad.

"I didn't think you spoke with your dad."

"I don't. Not really." He shrugs looking at his phone.

"Not really?" I raise my eyebrows in disbelief.

"A month ago my group counselor suggested trying to mend things or at least air our problems out."

"You didn't think to tell me about it?" There's unmistakable heart in my tone, a range of feelings inside me.

The prominent feeling; worry.

Worry we don't communicate enough to ensure our relationship survives.

"It was a disaster. We ended up in a screaming match and I left swearing I'd never go back."

"I could have supported you." The words are quiet, my thoughts so loud in my head.

"Babe you have your own drama with Bunny, I didn't want to put more stress on you."

"Stop that Jay. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this 'protecting me' bullshit. You gotta let me in to some part of your life Jay, some part of your struggling. Stop making decisions for me. Or at least stop using protecting me as some fucking excuse." I throw the covers off me and get up in anger, slamming the bathroom door behind me.

When I'm showered and wrapped in a fluffy robe I curse at myself for letting my hormones mishandle the emotions with Jay, realizing he was letting me in.

Better late than never in this case, I'll have to learn to take what I can get.

I exit the bathroom to find the bedroom empty; I walk out to the living room and kitchen throwing my head back when I see he's not here.

I fall back on our bed, reaching for my phone and typing a message to Jay.

 _I'm sorry. Where are you? I love you xx_

 _Dad's. Love you xx_

 _You okay?_

 _Not really. We'll talk tonight. Promise._

I throw my phone onto the bed in frustration, willing the tears not to fall and cursing my hormones once again.

I must have drifted off, as my mouth is dry and my neck stiff when the persistent ringing of my cell phone assaults my ears.

"Hello?" I whisper into the phone without checking the caller ID.

"Did I wake you baby?" I grunt in reply, rubbing my eyes and begging my mind to wake up.

"Jay, what's wrong?"

"I think dad had a heart attack."

"What?" I hiss out in shock.

"Yeah, this is what Will was worried about. Dad's been ignoring his heart issues for months apparently, he didn't seem right when I was with him so we're at the hospital."

"I'm on my way." I'm already trying to roll off the bed, not an easy task with a growing bump.

"No it's okay Erin, stay home. I just wanted to let you know I won't be home for a while."

"Don't be stupid Jay, I'm coming. Love you." I hang up before he can reply and change into some maternity jeans and a shirt before throwing my still damp hair into a bun.

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed :) Basically the reason you got an update tonight is because The Greatest Showman soundtrack is on repeat... seriously how else do you think Zac's name got in this? It was close to add Zendaya (damn she can sing lol)**

 **If you can please let me know your thoughts and if you think it will be a boy or girl ;)**

 **xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hey all! Thanks for your patience but I feel like I've really got inspired again and I hope my regular updates will be a constant thing again, like they use to.**

 **I finally updated Jay's List of Fantasies and I got such a fantastic response in reviews, so thank you!**

 **I hope you enjoy :)**

If only you knew – Chapter 8

Erin POV

Our fight is at the back of my mind as I race through the hospital doors, but not forgotten. Knowing that my relationship with Jay, my future with the love of my life is too important to ignore the signs.

We need some serious help in the communication department; one screwed up life is a barrier most couples struggle with.

When both are suffering it puts up walls, so used to keeping your pain inside and not burdening those around you.

A small part is scared that if they knew the truth they wouldn't be here anymore. They'd be gone like so many others in your life.

"Jay!" I call out when I see him in the waiting room, his head snapping up.

"Baby, I told you not to come."

"And I told you that's delusional." I hit back with a frown, concern for how tired he looks.

"Actually you called me stupid."

"Semantics." I wave him off enjoying the hint of a smile playing across his face.

"I'm sorry baby." I pull him into my arms, placing a kiss on the side of his head.

"It's not your fault."

"No, about our fight. It was stupid. We'll talk about it later okay?" I feel him nod against me.

"I am also sorry about your father… thought I'd better clear that up." I smile into his shoulder when I feel his body shake with a laugh.

We continue to stand in each others embrace for a few minutes until I can feel he's ready, I pull back to cup his face.

My forehead rests against his, lips touching briefly.

"You're not alone Jay Halstead. Never. We'll get through this together."

"I love you." He whispers before pulling me back into his arms.

* * *

"He doesn't want surgery." I feel Jay tense beside me.

"You've already seen him." Jay accuses softly, Will shrugs.

"With his doctors."

"You said you'd let me know as soon as I could."

"Jay you don't even like dad." I narrow my eyes at Will, hand tight in Jays.

"Surgery for what? Kind of jumped the gun here dude. We're still waiting on the full story." I jump in, my hormones for once not directed at Jay.

"His heart. It's bad, without surgery he'll die."

"Don't sugarcoat it. And they call you a doctor." I mumble not so quietly.

"Details please bro." Jay finally asks, growing frustrated with Will.

"Coronary Artery Bypass Grafting. But he doesn't want it, will you talk to him with me Jay?" I watch Jay drag a hand across his face before he nods once, stiffly.

"Want me to come?" I whisper, turning my body to face his.

"Nah babe, I'll be right back." His clears his throat.

"Hey Will, sorry about before… but take care of him in there for me okay?" Wills eyes shifts before he smiles and nods once.

* * *

"Hey Erin, how have you been?" I smile at the kind tone of Maggie's voice, leaning against the counter in the ED.

"Good thanks Maggie, and you?"

"Great. Aww you're getting big." Her eyes are focused on my stomach, a big smile on her face.

"Not something a girl typically wants to hear." I deadpan, hiding a smirk.

"It is when she's growing possibly the cutest baby in existence." She winks at me.

"You sound like Jay." I mumble into my hand, elbow propped on the counter.

"Well then I won't tell you he paid me to tell you that." We both laugh.

"Oh then I suppose he paid you to get in my ear about the baby names he likes." I almost cringe.

"Oh. No, that bad?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"What you think of Caden or Elizabeth." I roll my eyes, as she smiles in sympathy at me.

"Has the little one started moving?" I nod, tears springing to my eyes.

"Jay felt for the first time the other night."

"Aw, so special. Do you mind if I?" She gestures to my growing belly.

"I know some women are funny about it… and I respect your personal space."

"Go right ahead." I angle my body so she can place her hands on my bump.

"Awww I want one." She coo's, briefly looking up.

"You say that now." We look towards Natalie who is walking over, wrapped up in a chart.

"Until they're clawing their way out of your vagina and sucking on your boobs and ruining them forever." She laughs at herself as she looks up, eyes widening slightly at me.

"Which is probably something you don't want to hear about right now."

"Ya think?" I deadpan before shivering.

"Reading that chapter of what to expect was horrifying." They both laugh at me.

"Ah, the miracle of child birth."

"Although I'm booked for a c section to reduce complications. Which just sounds like a shitty recovery afterwards, but whatever I have to do to deliver this little one safely… and not have Jay hating me for the rest of my life." I clear my throat trying to keep the mood lighter.

"Oh yeah, if you die – he would definitely kill you." I caress Maggie's forearm gently in a silent thank you for playing along and easing the growing tension.

* * *

"How'd it go?" I ask even though I can read the pinched forehead he's sporting without waiting for an answer.

"That bad huh?"

"He doesn't want surgery."

"Jay and dad got into a fight." I watch Jay cross his arms over his chest, a closed off expression on his face.

"Why?"

"He's an asshole." Jay's voice is lethal.

"No, I meant – why doesn't he want surgery?" I clarify, hands waving about.

"Yeah, no. My answer works for that too. He's an asshole. Let's go."

I raise my eyebrow as Jay brushes past me; I nod my head a few times before looking after him.

"Alright, call me if anything changes." Will nods at me before running a hand through his hair.

"It'll change. He's too unstable. Try and prepare Jay…" I suck in a deep breath before turning to follow the path Jay took.

I stand watching Jay lean against the car for a few moments, hands in pockets and his head leaning back.

"I won't bother asking if you're okay."

"Guess past experience has shown I won't tell you anyway." I frown at the self-deprecating tone he's using.

"Babe, I just meant – the father you don't get along with is in hospital." I close my eyes in shame, knowing Jay has every reason to suspect that's what I meant.

"Oh."

"You know Jay, this doesn't have to be us. We've got time, to really communicate." I take a steadying breath, tears fighting to appear.

"I'm terrified."

"Of what? I just feel like we have so many conversations going on at once." He cracks a smile before holding his hand out for me.

"Disappointing you. Losing you."

"You could never lose me, we're it. You and me. Besides I'm kind of a package deal with this little one." I bite my lip as I guide his hand to my baby bump.

"I don't know why I keep things from you. I know you're the strongest person I've ever met." Jay admits quietly, eyes intently focused on our joined ones resting on my stomach.

"Well I'm terrified of what will happen to us if we don't figure out communication."

"Maybe we need some help." My eyebrows shoot up at Jay's suggestion.

"Or not." He shrugs misinterpreting my reaction.

"No, I think that's a great idea. I'm just surprised you suggested it."

"I'll do anything for you Erin, and I know what you need is for me to stop holding onto all this unresolved anger and pain. I know what you need is for me to be open. I know you need me to be a good father to our baby." There's a unmistakable pain in his voice, his features worn out with the shame he carries.

"Hey _. That_ was never a question. You'll be the best father, there's not a doubt in my mind. But I need help too Jay, I need to let go of this remaining anger about the wife thing."

"Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you." Jay pulls me in to place a kiss on my forehead.

"Life's less scary when you're not alone." I whisper into his neck.

"You're like a fortune cookie lately."

"Oh, Chinese." I giggle into his neck.

He laughs as he moves to open the door for me; I roll my eyes before getting in.

"Then let's go get my baby mama some Chinese."

"That'd be wise." He places another kiss on my lips before going to shut the door.

"Hey." I call out, stopping the door.

"We're strong enough to get through this, through anything. Because life wouldn't throw all of this at us, if we weren't."

"We're so lucky Erin, I know we have shit pasts but we have each other. We're going to have this baby and I'm so grateful but sometimes…"

"You feel like the men and women you've lost along the way deserved it too."

"Yeah."

"They did, so we can't waste this chance. Because we _are_ here."

* * *

My phone rings as I'm climbing from the car in front of our favourite chinese restaurant.

"It's Will." Jay scratches his head as he anxiously watches me.

"Hey… yeah. We'll be right there." I hang up, eyes still locked with Jays.

"What happened?"

"Your dad's been rushed into emergency surgery. Sorry babe."

"We should go."

"Yeah. No chinese for this pregnant lady." I mumble as I awkwardly get back in the car.

"Maybe I should drive?" I offer gently sensing Jay's stressed out mood.

"No, I'm okay."

"Good, cuz that seems like a lot of effort getting in and out of the car again." Jay chuckles softly, leaning in to join our lips.

"I love you, you know that?"

"Doesn't hurt to remind me." I place another kiss on his lips before he shuts the door and runs around to get in the drivers seat.

"I miss running." I pout as he starts the ignition.

"In a few years when you're running around after our kid you might not be saying that."

"Possible." Jay pulls out and drives back to the hospital, barely abiding the speed limit.

"Oh, I love you too by the way." I reach my hand over to his thigh and watch his posture shift.

* * *

"You should eat." My fingers are running soothingly over his arm, my other hand tucked tight in his and resting on his lap.

"Not hungry." He shrug, leg bouncing up and down anxiously.

"Well speaking as the one eating for two, I could eat. So I'm gonna go grab some stuff." He nods as I lean in to place a supporting kiss on his forehead.

"And when I get back mister you will be eating, is that clear?"

"You're gonna make a great mum." He chuckles at me.

His hand stops me before I can stand up, a kiss being placed in my hair.

"I'll go babe."

"'Kay." I relent stretching out on the hospital waiting room chair and watching him go.

While Jay is gone I field multiple calls from the unit, checking in to make sure Jay's okay and offering their assistance with anything we need.

Jay finally returns with a couple of sandwiches, a bag of chips and water.

"I hope the chips are for me."

"They are." He chuckles as he places it all down before sitting and wrapping his arm around me.

"I even got you this." He pulls a chocolate bar from his pocket and I snatch for it.

"Man I love you." I open the wrapper, sandwich and chips forgotten.

"Want a bite?" I ask around a mouthful of sweet treat.

"You'd share?"

"I'd share anything with you. But like, this is chocolate so only a little bit." Jay laughs before leaning in to attach our lips, his warm tongue is against my lips until I grant access.

We moan into the kiss as our tongues duel, the treat in my hand long forgotten.

"Mmm good chocolate." Jay smirks as he pulls back, his thumb coming up to caress my chin.

"Good that's all you're getting." My hazel eyes are full of love and laughter, as I look up at him, never tiring of looking into his bright blue eyes.

"Oh?"

"Well all you're getting of _that_. Be a good boy and we'll see what other treats are waiting at home."

"I'll be on my best behavior."

"Somehow I doubt that." I laugh as I dig into my chocolate again.

"This all has me thinking." I start off once the food is long gone; Jay makes a non-committal humming signaling me to continue.

"I should probably tell Bunny I'm pregnant at some point." Jay chuckles at me, our hands entwined.

"What?"

"Dad doesn't know. Can't wait to see his face when he see's you. Realizes he's such a shitty father that he doesn't even know he's gonna be a grandfather."

"What prize parents we have ourselves." I mumble, hand protectively on my bump.

"Is it wrong I can't wait to see his face?"

"In normal circumstances, but we can both agree our situations aren't anywhere close to normal."

"I also can't wait until he sees the beautiful woman I have." He sends my way with that boyish grin of his.

"Suck up."

"It's the truth."

"Oh I know. I'm a total hottie."

 **A/N: We will be digging into some stuff next chapter on this one.**

 **If you can please leave me a review either with thoughts or suggestions, I love hearing them.**

 **Especially with what you think/ want to see happen. I have a basic plan in my stories (except Fate, it's pretty detailed... lol) but it's constantly changing. Because when I sit to write my fingers take over and sometimes it's in a completely different direction than I planned - but it felt right.**

 **So I really do use your thoughts and suggestions to get inspiration and ideas to continue forward with.**

 **Thanks for taking the time to read, I'll work on a Fate update next ;)**

 **xx**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Wow. This took me 4 hours to write, because I just couldn't find the words. Then I was too frustrated to give up. lol**

If only you knew – Chapter Nine

Erin POV

"He's gonna be fine babe." My eyes are focused on Jay's jiggling knee, having been drawn to the annoying movement for the past few minutes.

"I know. He's too stubborn to die." I turn my wrist to check the time, stretching my legs out on the table in front of me.

"I'm gonna grab some coffee. Want anything babe?" Jay rubs his tired eyes, before turning to look at my blank stare.

"Oh shit. Some tea?" He asks innocently when he remembers.

"I'll take some hot chocolate."

"You should go home and rest babe."

"I'm fine right here, with you." He places a kiss to my forehead before moving to walk away.

"You better get yourself a coffee." I call out seriously.

"You can't have it, I won't."

"Jay you're barely awake. Have some damn coffee."

"Will." I swing my feet off the table when I see Will walking towards us.

I move to stand up, only getting a few inches off the seat before I fall backwards with a surprised sigh.

"Misjudged that." I grumble at Jay's quiet chuckle, moving my hands to the arm rests, and giving myself more push this time.

"It's not as easy as it looks, not use to this at all." I gesture to my growing stomach as Will gives us both a soft smile.

"What happened?" Jay finally asks, his hand reaching out blindly for mine.

"He's in recovery. It was touch and go for a minute but it looks like he's gonna be okay." I watch Jay's shoulders drop, tension dissipating.

"Told you he's too stubborn to die." We chuckle at him, Jay pulling Will into a hug.

"Thanks Bro."

"Yeah man."

"Alright, well he's gonna need some stuff so I'll drop Erin off at home and swing by his place to pick up some stuff."

"Appreciate it Jay."

"See ya later."

"Bye Will." Jay takes my hand in his and we walk out of the hospital, more calm then just hours before.

"You okay babe?"

"Yeah, let's get you home."

"Nope."

"What do you mean 'nope'?" He sends me a side-glance as he opens the car door.

"I'm going with you to your dads."

"Erin, it's been a long day."

"I still haven't met your dad." He rolls his eyes as I pull the door closed.

* * *

It's quiet as we pull up in front of a house; Jay's hard stare looking straight past me at the very house in question.

"Is this where you grew up?" He nods stiffly, tapping his thumbs on the steering wheel for a few beats before opening his door suddenly.

We're quiet as we approach the front door, Jay slipping keys into the lock as my eyes take in the porch and the small yard.

I smile as I imagine a young Jay running around the yard, kicking a ball in the street, defying rules to climb the large tree in the corner of the yard.

"Babe?" Jay's soft voice pulls me attention, my hand still running over my bump.

I turn and follow Jay into the house, taking in the musty smell and the scattered empty alcohol bottles everywhere.

I watch Jay's shoulder tense, shame shining through his eyes as he kicks some out of the way to make it to the stairs.

"I'll be back in a minute." I nod despite the fact he can't see me before I carefully walk around the rest of the downstairs.

I pause at the dining room, fingers running along the doorframe with a emotional smile on my face.

I note the various heights and ages of Will and Jay noted into the wood, faded from age before turning my attention to the photos on the wall.

It hits me as I take in the empty beer and scotch bottles that perhaps Jay worries about inheriting more than just his father's alcoholism.

It's not hard deduct that his dad never won any father of the year awards.

My hand is resting on my stomach as I make my way back to the staircase and slowly climb, smiling at the photos of a young Jay on the wall.

When I reach the top of the stairs, I can hear Jay off to my left so I turn to my right and open the doors in the hallway.

I pause when I see the room, which is distinctly Jay, I enter the room slowly noting the dust coating the belongings and smile at the picture of a teenage Jay with who I assume is his mother.

"Baby?" I jump suddenly, not having heard Jay behind me.

"You were cute." I reach out to trace his face with my fingertip.

"But puberty was certainly kind to you." I send a wink his way, a smirk on my lips.

My feet carry me across the room and close the distance between us, arms wrapping around his neck.

"You've been a good boy." He smirks down at me as I lean up to press our lips together.

"Oh?" I pull back to take in his raised eyebrow.

"I think you deserve those other treats." He allows my tongue into his mouth as my fingers threat through his hair, pulling his body closer to mine feeling my bump wedged between us.

Moans slip through my lips as his hands run down my sides, landing on my ass and pushing me back against his dresser.

My head falls back as his lips trail down my smooth neck, hands impatiently stripping him of his jacket.

"Are we really gonna do this here?"

"I mean, like why not?" I shrug watching his blue eyes sparkle.

My hands land on his chest as he comes back in for another kiss; I push him back with a smirk, an eyebrow raised at his surprised look.

I'm laughing as his knees hit the mattress, falling backwards on the bed as I straddle him slowly.

His hands run over my stomach briefly before up and down my arms, leaving goose bumps in their path.

I lean down to press a kiss to his lip, groaning awkwardly.

"This isn't comfortable. Didn't think this through." I squeal as Jay flips up over, not wasting a minute to rest between my legs.

He's careful to keep his weight off me as my head finds the pillow.

"Much better." I sigh as his lips come back to mine, peppering my lips with feverish kisses.

"Did you ever do it in your childhood bed?" I whisper against his lips between kisses.

"No." He mumbles back, his hands impatiently working on my jean zipper.

"Really? A cutie like you?" I giggle as his scruff tickles my chin.

"I wasn't a popular kid… I was… kinda messed up." He pulls back with a somber expression, his eyes conflicted.

It's silent for a moment, my hand reaching up to caress his face, the mood momentarily disappearing around us.

"You know you are nothing like your father." He swallows harshly before shuffling off me to lie on his side and holding me close.

I turn my head, kissing his chin and bringing his to rest over my chest.

"How can you say that? You don't even know him."

"I know enough."

"You can't know that."

"I know he was a shitty father and that you have good reason to despise him."

"He's an alcoholic."

"Yeah." I whisper quietly, unable to deny the evidence.

"He always has been."

"Tell me about him Jay."

"He just… he was always drinking. For as long as I can remember. My earliest memories, he was always slurring his words. Smelling of booze."

I'm quiet as I allow him to collect his thoughts, edging my way further into his heart.

"He cheated on mum."

"Jay." I whisper softly, seeing the tears in his eyes.

"I wasn't meant to be home. He thought I'd be in detention. I was a messed up kid."

"Angry?"

"So much anger."

"But I didn't have detention, because it was mums birthday and I knew I couldn't risk it. Dad wasn't going to do anything so I wanted to have dinner ready by the time she got home from work."

"Baby." I whisper quietly, moving my fingers up to brush away his tears.

"You are so kind."

"No."

"Yes you are, I know your heart Jay Halstead."

"I came home and I found him drunk out of his mind with some whore." Jay's seething as he relives the memory.

"He screamed for me not to tell Mum, said it would crush her. That I'd be doing her a favor if I left her in the dark."

"She got home. And I told her. On her birthday. Not like it mattered." My eyes close briefly.

"She knew, didn't she?" He nods softly.

"People generally do."

"She'd never really had to hear it before, she looked so… devastated. She just pulled herself together and we sat down for dinner. Like everything was _fine_." I feel my own tears fighting their way through.

"But it wasn't, the dinner was a disaster."

"What is it Jay? What won't you tell me?" He's conflicted as he stares down at me, so much shame in his blue eyes.

"The next day, when I got home from School… dad was waiting."

"What did he do?"

"He beat the crap outta me." My eyes close, wishing the images would leave me.

"I fought back but he slammed me into the stairs, I just remember laying there thinking about how much I hate him. And one day I'd take care of myself."

"Baby…" I pause, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Did he hurt you often?"

"Yes. I was so angry. I couldn't stop myself for provoking him."

"Then I turned eighteen and I joined the military. When I left I told him if he ever laid a hand on me again I'd beat him until he couldn't stand, and if he so much as laid a hand on mum… I'd kill him."

"You are _nothing_ like him Jay. Hear me on this."

"I can be violent."

"That doesn't mean you're a violent person! You would never hurt me, or our child… or anyone who doesn't deserve it."

"I served my country to get away from him, and to be strong enough to stand up against him. And win."

"You served your country because you're a good man."

"You don't know that."

"Okay, then why are you a cop?" Jay pauses, unable to answer.

"Because you're a good man. You help people, you want justice."

"I wasn't helping mum when I was off in the rangers."

"When she got sick?"

"Yeah. They didn't even tell me, she didn't want me to be distracted." It's easy to see the bitterness and regret.

"You found out when you got back?"

"Yes, from my first tour. My dad welcomed me back with 'glad you didn't die'."

"Asshole." I hiss out, thinking of choice words to share with his father.

"He said he hoped I'd _enjoyed_ myself while I was off being selfish, because mum had cancer and needed me."

"He told you like that?" I run my ringers through Jay's hair, seeing the pain in his eyes.

"Yes. Mum was furious but didn't have the energy to tell him as much."

"I wish I was there for you."

"No, I was horrible to those I loved Erin. I saw _so_ much over there. I wasn't coping, I had so much anger about my dad… and then I come home to be screwed over by life. My mother was dying."

His voice is loud; chest heaving as he greedily sucks in air.

"I couldn't sleep without hating myself, I saw those who died. Who I couldn't save. I'd think of my own mother, who was dying _here_ at home. A place I couldn't wait to escape when I was eighteen."

"What happened next?"

"I stuck around, she had her treatments and it all looked fine. Like she'd be in remission so I signed up again. Because I already couldn't live with myself, and I knew what was waiting for me over there. There were men and women dying, and I could actually do something to help them."

"But?"

"But when I got back the next time, mum's cancer was back and there wasn't anything they could do this time."

"Where was Will and your dad?"

"Dad was off on a bender with some whore. Will was in New York partying it up. I pulled myself together enough to be here for mum, I tried to hide the broken parts of me. I needed to be the boy she remembered…"

"Jay…" I pull his head into my neck, feeling his tears on my neck and letting him cry.

"Then she was gone. I fell apart. I couldn't function without pills and alcohol. I attended so many funerals, watched their families stand over their graves… and I thought. Why not me? I didn't have a family to stand over mine."

"But you were meant to have a family Jay. _This_ family." I move his hands over my stomach, our baby kicking and causing us both to sob.

"And that's the state you were in when you got hitched."

"Yes…"

"I forgive you." I whisper, feeling him stiffen in my arms.

"What?"

"For not telling me. Thank you for opening up to me now, but I understand it wasn't as simple as telling me you got married once…"

"I – I…" He trails off, hugging me closer unable to speak.

"It's okay. I love you." I place a kiss to his forehead, as he continues to cry in my arms.

Jay breaks down in front of me, shocking me to my core and breaking my heart.

My own tears fall as I hold him close, letting his sobs rack his body knowing he needs this after locking it all away for so long.

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed!**

 **Would love if you could take a minute to review and let me know your thoughts.**

 **Thank you :)**


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